Ultimate Tips for Naija Living

Today I commence a series of posts geared to give the reader tips that will assist in guaranteeing her/his safety as she/he navigates the daily Naija life. This tips are from nearly two decades of Naija living experience. Big shout out to El-Nathan John, his "How to" series inspired these. Please Enjoy!

Tips for Naija Living

                                                                                                                                     I

 Do you have dreams of delving the ‘murky ‘waters of Naija politics? Here is a quick tip for you; this tip would come in most handy if your area of interest is Naija legislative politics. Here is my advice:  Some thug life experience is requisite. By thug life I mean real thug/street life and experience being an ex Agbero, Area Boy, Motor park Tout or Araba bus conductor. This thug life experience would help you ward off attacks from other thuggish legislators. Here are examples to buttress my point.

 In July 2013, an Honourable member of the Rivers State House of Assembly attacked a fellow member with the hallowed mace leaving both the attacked and the mace seriously damaged.

To show this isn’t a new trend, way back in 2010 a free-for-all brawl occurred in the hallowed chambers of the House of Representatives.

Hint: If you lack the thug life experience do to an ajebutter childhood or have lost it due to subsequent wealth, you are advised to enlist for Judo lessons.

                                                               

                                                                      II
 Just in case you are thinking of making a career out of civil service, here is a tip. On your first day or during your first days, covertly identify those who speak your native tongue or another Nigerian language you speak, walk up to them and speak the language. This is most effective when applied in Federal Institutions where there is a multiplicity of ‘tribes’ and nepotistic sentiments reign supreme. This trick puts you in the ‘our people’ range. Few are impressed with how good your English is these days (maybe in five years they will). So if you can’t speak your native language get busy. If you can, strive to add Hausa, Igbo, or Yoruba to the mix.

                                                                     III

Whenever you are driving and a bullion van comes speeding, kindly give way. If you are on foot scram. Those guys drive like horsemen from hell, the fact that they are escorted by police men notwithstanding. Many a Nigerian has lost life or limbs due to their recklessness. Your humble author has had many near death experiences with these drivers. Thanks be to God I escaped unscathed.

Hint: Being an experienced Naija pedestrian I would suggest you give a distance of 1m-5m from the road while scramming. The distance you give depends on your level of bravery, how much you value life (your own life), level of frustration with the Naija life and suicidal tendencies.

                                                                     IV

Due to the current security threats a lot of military check points have sprung up. A lot of people have fallen victim to corporal punishment to bad behavior. Here is a compilation of checkpoint etiquette.

·         Do not litter. Do not throw empty cans out the car window when at a check point.

·         Be polite if possible be humble (removing your sunshades is considered humility)

·         Never attempt to bribe soldiers, they are not policemen.

·         Do not grumble

·         Do not hiss

·         Be obedient

·         If you are in public transport and someone is complaining out loud, maybe to you. Try and dissociate yourself from the complainant as fast as possible. You could be declared guilty by association when soldiers are about visit their wrath on dissenters. Be wary of haughty ladies, most soldiers would not administer corporal punishment on ladies but the whole bus will bear the brunt.

Exemptions: you may flout the above principles if you fall under the following categories.

1.       You father, husband, wife, brother or maybe sister is a military officer of a high rank. You can easily call them to talk you out of checkpoint trouble.

2.       You are a military officer and those at the check point are lower ranked recruits.

3.       You are the Governor or the Governor’s son.

4.       You are the President

If you don’t belong to any of these categories you are kindly advised (from country man to country man) to try to obey the listed regulations.



More tips coming! Have a blissful week ahead.